The Original Pre-Lesbian ASL


Back in 1996, a couple of guy geeks were playing on the Internet. One of them decided to show the other how easy it was to create a newsgroup in the alt.* hierarchy. They came up with this silly name, alt.shoe.lesbians.

A month or so later, the lesbians found the newsgroup. The rest, as they say, is history.

A bit of digging on the web located what is the earliest known version of a FAQ for ASL. Here is is:


So, lots of people have been asking recently, despite the FAQ having been posted within the last six months, so i've decided to actually post it with some frequency. (.00000001 Hertz maybe)

So, without much further ado.. here it be, in fAq++ form.

/* * alt.shoe.lesbians
*
* FAQ, version 1.0.666
*
* Originally by Joel Boutros
*
* Now maintained by .. Joel, apparently
*
* For Shoe Lesbians And Their Friends.
*/

Q: Like.. What the hell is this newsgroup anyway? I mean, should i show it to my shoes and hope that they're encouraged to come out of the closet or what?

A: Like.. yeah. This is a newsgroup for shoe lesbians and their friends. This isn't for like Human Lesbians and their friends, nor for cat lesbians or anything like that. Shoes! Footwear! Of course, anyone else can post on it, cause like, assumedly you're footwear friendly. NO HOMOPEDOEROTIPHOBES ALLOWED! If you don't like the idea of two female shoes having sex, then don't read this group!

Q: Like, i wear sandals. Is that alright?

A: Have they come out of the closet yet, and if so, have you been supportive and nurturing towards them? That's the most important thing, being friendly to them.

Q: Why is the sky blue?

A: WHAT?!

Q: You read me.

A: Go check alt.sky.blue.why or something.

Q: Oh. Thanks!

A: Anytime.

Q: Sometimes my shoe laces cross. Should I suspect that I might infact actually be wearing lesbian shoes?

A: No, they might just be passing threads in a friendly manner, or it's a temporary and accidental freak of nature. But it's nothing too personal with the shoe laces these days. Back when I was a young netdork, maybe, but.. now? nah. These things are nearing commonplace.

Q: How can you tell when shoe are having sex anyway?

A: With lesbian shoes, usually they're laying toe to heel, with the laces together, though sometimes other configurations can be found. Also check for odd smells, by calmly sniffing the interior of the suspect footwear. If you've got the smell of sweat, then chances are, your shoes have been playing dirty!

Q: Where in the hell do you come up with this crap?

A: I dunno. Answers Come In Dreams.

Q: Are you available on friday?

A: Probably. Things've been going slowly in dateville lately.

Q: Do socks help prevent the spread of diseases, like tinea pedis, commonly known as athlete's foot, or bunions? And can these diseases be passed on from shoe lesbian to shoe lesbian?

A: Research is currently being done in that area, to produce reasonable information as to if this is the case or not. It is assumed, however, that in order to be completely safe from these infections, that one should encourage their shoes to remain abstinant, even if neither of the shoes is known to be carrying disease, because as we all know, these things can lay in waiting for you, until that one time when you're about to take a dive into the boss's swimming pool and he/she/it decides to have a surprise foot inspection. Then you'll be in trouble!

Q: Why, joel, why?

A: Well, you know.

Q: No. Tell us.

A: Cause.

Q: You're not going to tell us, huh?

Q: Hello?

Q: Hmmf.

A: Boo!

Q: Aiee!!

A: Scared ya, didn't I?

Q: No, of course not.

A: Suuuure.

Q: Can you think of any more questions?

A: Nope.

Q: Cool.

A: Yeah.

- Later, at another FAQ++ appointment within the offices of Hairclub For ShoeLesbians...

Q: What's a shoe lesbian?

A: Sorta like a bad trip. We've never really known. But.. it's just here. Talk about whatever crap you can come up with in this newsgroup, cause that's about what it's here for, like ya know?

Q: Like, yeah, mahn, alright*$&@($

A: Groovy pants.

Q: Like, wow, thanks, I got them at the GAP.

A: Ooh, dood, bum shit.

Q: Like, wow, yeah.

A: Dood.

Q: Yeah, doo---

/* End of File */

-n- (joel boutros) (who hasn't yet quit his day job)


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