The Collected Adventures of Emergency Lesbian (tm)

Chapter 1:
The Emergence of Emergency Lesbian (tm)
(ASL 30 May 97)


mmm well...'m..ffppphh ..down...(who's KNEE is THAT?)!!!! (who has there tounge in my ear???) mmffggghhuuhuh..HELP!! need air...ffggghhuhhffhshaaa HEV!!!! Help me....

new baby sister shoes

Hev struggles out of the maul, finds a telephone box and dutifully pulls on her . . . (ta tata rah ta ta taaaaaa !!!!!!!) . . . Emergency Lesbian (tm) outfit (scoop-neck ivory silk spandex top [white doesn't look good next to pale skin] with mid-upper arm sleeves [to show off the impressive - but not threatening - muscles] russet shorts cut to mid-thigh [ditto with the muscles] utility belt containing various objects that might be of utility to lesbians (suggestions welcomed), bare and unshaved legs [actually, this isn't as much of a feminist statement as it might seem. Red leg hair isn't that obvious]. Oh and Emergency Lesbian(tm) boots [adapted from No1 naughty boots])

Using her specialist techniques(!)* she re-inserts herself into the hug, gently parting, sliding in, pushing firmly and finally reaches Deb, who is looking a bit peaky.

"Now, Deb, which is causing you the greatest difficulty? Having a new baby sister, being crushed, or being in close bodily contact with so many lovely women of alternative sexuality?"

Slippers enjoying making this up and wishing she had *those* muscles

Chapter 2:
EL (tm) Gets a Suggestion
(ASL 12 June 97)

Hev wrote:

Meee tooooo, I'm here, not wanting to go to bed. Downsizing in the lover dept, damnit.


Where's Emergency Lesbian(tm) when you need her, huh?

Oh, that's me, isn't it. Excuse me, I think I need to talk to my therapist..... Or, perhps Cyn could help.

Monika suggested:

perhaps you should start a superhero team, then you and EL(tm) wouldn't be lonely. all superheroic lesbians and bisexuals and allies... step forward and put on those funky outfits!

:} monika

Whooooop Whoooooop neee naughhh neee naughhhh.

"Oh look everyone, Emergency Lesbain(tm) has arrived!"

(Hev whispers to EL(tm). "Look, you've got to start giving me some better lines, ok? I sound like that guy that used to introduce Johnny Carson")

Emergancey Lesbian's(tm) Saphic Superhearing(tm) had picked up the sound of her name being spoken, and her curiosity had been piqued. She sits down by Monika and says:

"Um, I'm not sure what kinda relationship you are indicating, I'd be delighted with a Xena/Gabrielle thing, so long as we can take turns being Gabrielle. I'd even be comfortable with a sort of Batman and Robin relationship, as long as I get to keep the utility belt. What would *not* be acceptable would be, say a kind of Invisible Woman/Captainette Paranoid deal.

Or are you suggesting a group of us - a kind deviant, sci/fi comic book version of the famous five??? What a fabulous idea. Someone with medical qualifications would be a great asset, y'see, just between you and me, women keep fainting around me. I could sure use the help. I think HRJ is already Research Lesbian, or was it Linguist Lesbian?"

"Anyone else wanna join?"

feet that are begining to feel as if they belong to Dr Watson.

Chapter 3:
EL (tm) Discovers Her Limits
(ASL 14 June 97)

Sarah Heather Cardin wrote:

innocent TIGHT young Virgins -bi and from England ... from england?? hey emergency lesbian (tm)! i think this spam is in your jurisdiction ....

sarah heather cardin/saara-karnerva
spambusting boots

Nee Naug, Neee Naugh, Skreeeeech.

Sarah looks out of her window to see Emergency Lesbian(tm) dismounting a rather rusty ladies shopper bike (complete with wicker shopping basket on the front and a little kiddies' seat on the back.

(Don't worry, she borrowed it from her friend Miriam while her own superdooper mountain bike is in the shop having *another* 15 gears fitted).

She has a little difficulty wrenching the hem of her black shot-silk evening dress from its bird's nest entanglement in the chain.

Curious passers by gaze at the sight of a glamourous, beautiful, statuesque woman who appears to be arguing with her 'bike. They notice that the coifeured hair is a little dishevelled, her lipstick smudged and her black stockings laddered. She is also chronically out of breath.

If we were down there we could hear what Emergency Lesbian(tm) is muttering under her breath.

"Fussing ASL.

(wheeze, tug)

"*I* wanted the damn' pirate outfit. It was smart, stylish and practical."

(tug, gasp, tug)

"But oh, NO, *they* knew best, they wanted the damn' evening dress."

(Wrrrrrench, large in-drawn breath, she absently brushes a stray auburn curl out of her eyes and leaves a streak of chain oil on her left eyelid and forehead.)

"An *evening dress*. What kinda damn' outfit is *that* for a Superheroine I ask you??? They have no idea how long it takes to get your stocking seams straight. And what do I know about puting on lipstick??"

(biiiig tug)


(pauses in a final attempt to regain her breath)

"I must talk to Sunny and see if she's got any Acme Inc chainless bikes left."

Emergency Lesbian (tm) finally disentangles herself with a loud ripping sound. The residual momentum of her final tug causes her to spin unsteadily across the pavement. As she does so, the air around her seems to melt and spin with her.

She slows and staggers, and leans up against the ornate entrance of Sarah's building, clutching the doorway for support. Then she notices that she feels grand. Her breath is now entirely with her, her makeup is perfection in cosmetics, her stockings are comlete and the seams ruler straight and her hair looks as if she just stepped out of a salon.

Her Saphic Super-hearing(tm) detects the sound of Sarah's voice:

"Up here, Emergency Lesbian(tm)!"

Tottering authoritatively past the huge banks of lifts (sorry Johannah) elevators, she makes for the stairs. It is the work of but a few moments for her to reach Sarah's penthouse apartment, where she arrives as fresh as a daisy, despite running up 40 floors.

Using her Tribidic Teleporting(tm) she materialises by Sarah's computer.

This startles Sarah. But not as much as it started Emergency Lesbian(tm) for whom the Tribidic Teleporting(tm) was a complete surprise.

Sarah regains her composure, and says


Emergency Lesbian(tm) hastily turns off her Saphic Superhearing (tm) and greets Sarah in a fond and sisterly way.

Later, they study the screen together.

Emergency Lesbian(tm) shakes her head sadly.

They go to Sarah's brag shelf and take down "Life for Dummys" eds Sarah H Cardin and Heather Malcolm . They look up "Emergency Lesbian(tm)".

The entry is very, very long, and it takes them some time to read it all. As evening draws in, they have to agree. Emergency Lesbian(tm) is a solver of problems in the physical world. She will rescue any woman of alternative sexuality from any physical or psychological danger.

But she's absolutely useless with computers. Show her a mouse and she'll pull a humane mousetrap from her utility belt. (except, and much to her disgust, she now has to carry a utility clutch purse). For her a screen saver is probably some kind of bank account for movie stars. Mention WYSIWYG, and she'll imagine some kind of fast toupee.

Sarah and Emergency Lesbain(tm) bid a protacted and very fond farewell, and Emergency Lesbian Tribidically Teleports (tm) to her friend Miriam's cycle. She pulls a few threads out of the chain before mounting girly style and pedaling off past Powells Bookstore and into the slow-motion rage of the sunset.

Feet that wish they could help with more with the spam

Chapter 4:
EL (tm) Pines Away
(ASL 20 June 97)

Hev wrote (amongst other things) :

: .... and then to a Roger Whiticker concert.

to which Vagabond replied:

Oh I'm so sorry Hev. Obviously the constant demands for your services together with the fashion dilemma have caused you to lose it.

A ROGER WHITICKER concert, are you off your trolley ????

to which Hev replied:

Nope, Emergency Lesbian(tm) knows how to punish a gal!

then Vagabond suggested: I think I can help, there is a convalescence home for burnt-out superheroines—they offer a full top to toe service including a full wardrobe restructure, a colour therapist and a full course in mountain bike mechanics (Zen naturally).

I know it would be hard for you to leave us all bereft of your much needed support but think of yourself just this once. (BTW they do an excellent range of pies - cherry, rhubarb, apple, blackcurrant, summer fruit, gooseberry, fig to name but a few)

Sigh, lead me to it, lead me to it.....

NO. I must be strong for asl!!!

I could use a sidekick, though, someone to be my Robin, well Robyn, actually.

Someone to share the burdens of office, the everyday snippets of Superheroine gossip.

Someone to whom I can hand the Utility Clutch Purse(tm) with confidence.

She needn't have Saphic Superhearing(tm), but perhaps, one day, we could share the exotic secrets of Tribitic Teleportation(tm)....

(Lonesome sigh..)

Socks scanning the lonely hearts section of "Superheroine Today", "Modern Superheroine", "Cosmic Heroine" and "National Enquirer"

Chapter 5:
EL (tm) Meets an Admirer
(ASL 23 June 97)

cyn88 wrote:

Ode to Emergency Lesbian(tm) (ta ta ta rah!)

You came into my life, unexpected, but truly welcome for I was suffering a great swelling of the head.

With gentle hands you soothed me, carefully separating the multiple cyns within, all clamoring to be heard (much to asl's chagrin).

An expert's touch, honed by many years of rescueing, revealed in the soft manner by which your fingers caressed my brow, softly, oh how softly....

Fingertips cool against my increasingly fevered flesh, tracing eyebrows, eyelashes, cheek and lips, before travelling lower, slowly, so slowly....

Hesitantly at first, then with more confidence for I did not resist, (indeed I trembled in anticipation), you traced the nether regions of my soul. And so I experienced Rapture as you parted my infinite personalities.

And afterwards you left, cycling off into the sunset to parts unknown, leaving me in your wake, tired, yet sated, mind clear as it had not been for many months.

For a time, I was at peace.

Yet slowly, I realized a discontent within myself, a simmering desire I was unable to define it until now.... the need for your company, however brief.
If only I could but see you, once again...!

My life, before you, seems so far away now. I thought I was happy then, yet, after meeting you, I realize that I was merely existing, going through the day-to-day motions, coping, but not truly alive.

Today, the colours are more vivid, the air seems fresher, the sun shines brighter ....and I long to see you cycle back into my life, resplendent in whatever garb you fancy.

Your commanding presence lends crispness to the day, the blue of your eyes, prettier than anything the sky could produce, captivating. Mind and soul, I am lost to you.....

I thought I knew what desire was, and then I met you, I thought I knew what passion was, and then I met you, I thought I knew what love was, and then I met you.

So many things I thought I knew....

You showed me how wrong I was. You showed me how much more I need to learn, You showed me desire, passion, love, so intense it takes my breath away. (Even as I write this, my heart pounds, thumpa-thump-thump!) You showed me that I could never be complete without you by my side.

And this scares me, above all else.

For you are a Superheroine. Always on call. Ready and willing, to aid women of alternative sexuality in need, everywhere. (And who is not in need of you?)

With wistful eyes, women watch you, (noting your exceptional fashion sense), hopelessly smitten with the confidence you exude,
(as you pull item after item from your famed Utility ClutchPurse(tm)), awed with the practised ease by which you bring order to the calamity in their lives.

Who am I to measure against that? But one of millions who have received your attentions, easily forgotten amongst the multitudes who adore you.
(Even less memorable, as I tend to pass out when you are near.)

[Veritably, I delude myself, thinking that I even stood a chance---you've never indicated any interest at all...(sigh)..... perhaps that's just as well.

In truth, I could not take you from your duties, too many require your expertise, and stories of you, that have yet to become myths, remain to be writtten.

So I take my leave of you, parting now, whilst I retain a modicum of decorum. Perhaps its too late, I've already made a fool of myself. And now, I can't take my words back, you know how I feel, hopelessly smitten.

At least I will not have to face the pain of your rejection. Forgive me, but I peeked at your emergency copy of "How to Maintain a Secret Identity", which details how to live will not find me. I am sure, though, that word of your exploits will reach me, and I'll listen with a wistful smile upon my face.

May the distinctive siren announcing you presence continue to resound in asltown, bringing with it smiles to women of alternative sexuality everywhere.

May you always dazzle with your ever-changing wardrobe and your ever-evolving mode of transport.

May you live forever, Emergency Lesbian(tm)!

Fare you well, Superheroine of my heart, (you who are more necessary to me than the air I breathe),


Tongue-in-cheek alert! Tongue-in-cheek alert! Tongue-in-cheek alert!
Tongue-in-cheek alert! Tongue-in-cheek alert! Tongue-in-cheek alert!

God, it's almost a good thing that my life goes to hell in a basket next week, I'm not sure I want to see the Intermediary to EL(tm)'s
reaction to this, or anyone else's!

Sorry it's so long and jumbled. It's a bit of a reprieve from the serious stuff. If anybody wants to trash it, or modify it, feel free.


'poetry'???? (gag) Cyn#, you need a life! I hereby disassociate from this 'writing'!

Nee Naugh, Neee naugh, whooop whooop,

Oh no, despite Cyn's fondest hopes it's

(Rah tata ra ta ta ta tahhhhhhhh!)

Emergency Lesbian(tm).

But what is this? There is no her friend Miriam's shopping bike, no Ultility Belt(tm) or Utility Clutch Purse(tm). She has not used Tribidic Teleportation(tm) to get here, nor her Saphic Superhearing(tm) to hear Cyn's poem.

She stands in jeans and a jumper, and kicks the ground with some very ordinary looking runners.

Her head is bowed. She sidles up to Cyn, not making eye contact, and says in mumbled tones "Thanks for the poem " and she shyly pecks Cyn on the cheek.

Cyn, head bowed too and trembling a bit says "s'ok".

Encouraged, Emergency Lesbian(tm) mumbles "Well, um, do you want to go for a coffee or something?"

Cyn, glances up at Emergency Lesbian(tm) briefly and then, staring at her absent shoes again says. "Um, ok..."

Emergency Lesbian(tm) rallies a little. "Um, we could go to my secret hideaway on Lesbos. But only if you fancy it...?"

Cyn can only nod.

Emergency Lesbian(tm) blushes. "Well, I've got to do this spinning thing, so I get my powers, and then I'll have to... well you'll have to..., I mean um.. Well, I have to hold on to you so I can fly us there...."

Cyn looks a little startled.

"....or we could just go around the corner to Blues Cafe..."

Cyn looks even more startled "No, no, Lesbos will be fine..."

Emergency Lesbian(tm) steps into the shadows, and does a lovely twirl, re-emerges, still in ordinary clothes, and grasps Cyn around the waist. "Run as fast as you can!" she whispers in Cyn's ear, and together they speed down the street, take off and soar high into the passion-red waves of the sunset...

Romantic socks, intent on giving Cyn a decent send-off.

Chapter 6:
EL (tm) Goes Out to Eat
(ASL 23 June 97)

Hev wrote:

Emergency Lesbian(tm) mounts her friend Mirriam's shopping bike, and as as she pedals away into the crimson tide of the sunset, she waves to chach, who is already absorbed by the latest posting to asl...

cristi wrote: (sniff) this is beautiful... just beautiful.... (honk)

i may start a fan club...


then chach said:

Oh, thank you EL! Now if you will just stop posting for a moment, I'd love to bake you a cherry pie and do you have a moment to teach me to dance the merengue? Look for a wormhole, I know it's in the book. Come back! Come back!

tired feet

Emergency Lesbian(tm) sits in her secret HQ, carved out of the cliffs on the west coast of the Island of Lesbos. She is reclining in her hammock, studying the computer screen on her laptop.


Chach has instinctively hit upon Emergency Lesbian(tm)'s favourite food. In her hurry to get to Chach's house, she fails utterly to remember that she needs to take care getting out of her hammock, and ends up spinning horizontally like a high speed ox roast.

But spinning is spinning to a Superheroine, and although she is now trussed up like a turkey, she at least has availed herself of all her superpowers and is dressed in her latest Superheroine Costume.

Through the gaps in the macrame weave of the hammock, we can see that the costume du jour is a beautifully tailored dark blue suit with a cream pinstripe, a crisp cream linen shirt and subtle, but unmistakable Doc Martin low-heeled shoes.

Emergency Lesbian(tm) Tribidically Teleport(tm)s herself from her embarassing entanglement. Whilst in the middle of teleporting, she performs a double somersault (with pike) to land seated in her library.

She reaches for her copy of "Life for Dummys"(c) eds S H Cardin and H C A Malcolm. She looks up "Merengue". All she can find is Meringue, as in Lemon Meringue Pie. She sighs, and makes a mental note to have a word with the editors. She finds her copy of "Dykes Dancing: a Modern Lesbians Guide to Ballroom Etiquette" The introduction contains helpful hints about who should be lead and who should follow. It is careful to point out that one should never, ever, ask who is going to be the man...

Emergency Lesbian(tm) tucks the book into her Emergency Utility Cummerbund(tm) and teleporrts herself and her friend Miriam's shopping bike to the end of Chach's street and cycles towards her house, whistling in happy anticipation of Cherry Pie.

Just back fm Lyn's 40th birthday party shoes

Chapter 7:
EL (tm), Famous Author
(ASL 23 June 97)

Hev wrote:

She finds her copy of "Dykes Dancing: a Modern Lesbians Guide to Ballroom Etiquette" The introduction contains helpful hints about who should be lead and who should follow. It is careful to point out that one should never, ever, ask who is going to be the man...

then Sunny McGhee asked:

Does this book really exist, or is it another item that can only be found in the EL(tm) Cumberbun?

EL(tm) has the only extant *Emergency* edition of this book. It is another of the indespensible guides produced by Cardin and Malcolm who (the team who brought us "Life for Dummys" and the "Emergency Edition of the Collected Works of Stephen Hawking").

All EL(tm) Emergency publications exist only in the imaginations Hev and anyone daft enough to read the adventures of Emergency Lesbian(tm) and can be ordered fom Sunny's Acme Coyote Supplies.

would-be publisher socks

Chapter 8:
EL (tm), Famous Author
(ASL 24 June 97)

Vagabond wrote:

Whilst your on this winning streak, in your guise as superheroine extraordinaire could you manage to conjure up a copy of Can I Be Your Girlfriend by Rita Lynch ??? Its got a stunning track on it called You've Got Beautiful Eyes.

clean feet

Nee Naugh, Neee naugh, Neee naughhhh. Screeech.

Emergency Lesbian(tm), resplendent in today's Superheroine costume try out (a peach taffita floor-to-ceiling see-thru neglige with feather trim, satin mules and not a lot else) elegantly dismounts her friend Miriam's shopping bike.

She sashays up to Val, and in a throaty, conspiratorial whisper says,

"Baby, if you have the need, I have the c.. cofff, splutter, hack, kofffff wheeze, koff koff, etc.

Val looks on with sympathy and then alarm as Emergency Lesbian(tm) first turns pink, then red, then blue.

She then thumps Emergency Lesbian(tm) soundly on the back and dislodges the feather that has so dicomoded our Superheroine.

When she has recovered from laughing, Val says reasonably: "If you're so good with that Tribidic Teleportation(tm), why didn't you use that to get rid of the feather?"

Never one to abide a nit picker, especially one who is ready to laugh at other's misfortunes, Emergency Lesbian(tm) Tribidicaly Teleports(tm) Val, in quick sucession, to the North Pole, a Fundementalist Christian meeting of the homophobic variety, and then to a Roger Whiticker concert.

Ok, it was the heat of the moment. Perhaps the Roger Whitacker was a going a bit too far.

By was of compensation, Emergency Lesbian(tm) offers to tape a cd by Rita Lynch, which is called Call me your Girlfriend" but only has "Call me your Girlfriend", "Rolla Coasta", "Baby I Wonder" and "Find a Love".

Even Emergency Lesbian(tm) has been unable to find "Beautiful Eyes".

All she needs now is Val's snail mail address.

peach satin mules with feather trim

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